Passive-aggressive behavior is an attempt to control or manipulate someone without being honest about how you feel or what you want, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of “Understanding Bipolar Disorder.”
If someone has accused you of being passive-aggressive, you may wonder what that means and what you can do to reduce this behavior.
Read ahead to learn how to be less passive-aggressive and improve your interpersonal relationships.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Dr. Daramus shares some examples of passive-aggressive behavior:
- Having hidden expectations: Not telling someone what you want but being angry, hurt, or offended when you don’t get it
- Saying one thing but meaning another: Saying something nice but in a sarcastic tone of voice, or saying something mean about someone and pretending it’s a joke
- Giving someone the silent treatment: Ignoring someone, refusing to answer their calls, not responding to their texts, excluding them from events, saying hello to everyone but them, avoiding eye contact with them, or pretending not to hear them
- Expressing your feelings nonverbally: Smirking or rolling your eyes while speaking to someone, or expressing your displeasure by pouting, sighing loudly, or huffing
- Embarrassing someone: Asking someone uncomfortable questions in front of others to put them on the spot, revealing embarrassing things about them, gossiping about them to others while they’re in earshot, or telling others about issues you have with them instead of discussing them directly
- Working against someone: Pretending to support someone but secretly hoping things don’t go their way, or actively working to undermine or sabotage them so they don’t get what they want
- Procrastinating: Taking your own sweet time to do something for someone, pretending to forget you had to do it, or intentionally keeping someone waiting
- Giving gifts with ulterior motives: Giving gifts that are meant to change someone instead of celebrating them, such as buying them clothing that's in your style instead of theirs
- Giving backhanded compliments: Giving someone a compliment that’s a thinly veiled insult, such as “You look so nice today, I didn’t recognize you!” or “That hairstyle is lovely, it makes your nose look smaller”
Fun Fact
The term “passive-aggressive” was first used in a clinical context during World War II, to describe soldiers who refused to obey officers’ commands.
Characteristics of Passive-Aggressive People
These are some characteristics of passive-aggressive people as compared to people who are more direct.
Passive-Aggressive People
Expecting others to know what you want
Getting upset when things don’t go your way
Avoiding direct confrontation at all costs
Not communicating openly
Wanting to control others
Seeing others as your opponents
Being stubborn
Refusing to consider that you might be wrong
(Video) Why Are Some People Passive Aggressive?
People Who Are More Direct
Simply asking for what you want
Accepting things may not always go your way
Telling someone why you’re upset with them
Communicating honestly and assertively
Letting go of things beyond your control
Empathizing with others
Being open-minded
Respecting others’ opinions and perspectives
Signs of Manipulation in Relationships
Potential Causes of Passive-Aggression
These are some of the potential causes of passive aggression, according to Dr. Daramus:
- Cultural factors: In some cultures, direct confrontation is rude, so sometimes a passive-aggressive approach is a more acceptable way to express difficult emotions.
- Childhood experiences: Some children grow up in families where arguing with authority figures is discouraged, or even dangerous, so they tend to avoid confrontations as adults.
- Fear of rejection: Being passive-aggressive can stem from insecurity and a fear of rejection. If you only hint at something, and don't ask directly for what you want or need, being rejected or ignored hurts a lot less.
- Unrealistic expectations: Sometimes, people feel that someone who really knows them or loves them would know what they want, so they don't want to have to "spoil the romance" by discussing it. A lot of characters in love stories are passive-aggressive, and that can give people the impression that real love doesn't require open communication.
Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder
Passive-aggressive communication and behaviors can also be a result of passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD). PAPD can lead to relationship dysfunction and other interpersonal issues, as the disorder is marked by vindictiveness. Although PAPD is no longer listed in the DSM-5-TR, mental health professionals might still use this term.
How to Be More Assertive
Ways to Be Less Passive-Aggressive
Dr. Daramus suggests some strategies that can help you be less passive-aggressive and more direct:
- Build self-awareness: Start paying attention to your own thoughts, words, and behaviors to try and identify when you’re being passive-aggressive. Spend some time reflecting on why you’re doing it and think about what you really want instead.
- Ask for what you want: If you simply ask for what you want, you may just get it. For example, someone who asks for a promotion and negotiates for it is more likely to get it than someone who doesn’t ask. Even if you don’t get what you want, you might get honest feedback that can help you.
- Work on your communication skills: It’s important to learn how to communicate openly, honestly, and assertively. Identify people who communicate well and follow their example. It may also be helpful to read books or take a class on communication.
- Express anger in healthy ways: If you’re angry or upset about something, learn to express your anger in healthy ways.
- Empathize with others: Instead of seeing others as your opponents, try to see things from their perspective and empathize with them.
- Let go of things beyond your control: Be thoughtful about what you should and shouldn't control. Ask yourself why you feel so strongly about things that you feel you should control. Learn to let go of things that are beyond your control.
- Build a healthy support system: Distance yourself from people who communicate passive-aggressively and surround yourself with people who are more honest and direct. Learn how to give and receive support.
How to Be More Assertive
Benefits of Being Less Passive-Aggressive
Aimee Daramus, PsyD
Life is a lot less high-drama when you simply ask for what you want and say what you mean.
— Aimee Daramus, PsyD
Some of the benefits of being less passive-aggressive include:
- Improved relationships: When you ask for what you want and can be clear, you'll help foster healthier communication patterns in all of your relationships. For example, couples who use healthy communication skills report increased relationship satisfaction.
- Greater life satisfaction: When you can be clearer and more assertive, you're more likely to get the results you're looking for.
- More confidence: By learning how to be more direct, yet tactful, you'll likely notice that you feel more in control of yourself and thus more confident.
What Are 'I Feel' Statements?
Frequently Asked Questions
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a passive aggressive person change?
Just like with any other behavior, old habits die hard. While it may take some time for someone who is passive-aggressive to build healthier communication skills, it's possible for them to improve. A mental health professional can help guide you through these changes.
Is passive-aggressive behavior toxic?
Considering the fact that passive-aggressive behavior and communication can be hurtful and damaging to any relationship, it can be deemed toxic. If you are in a relationship with someone who tends to be passive-aggressive, it may be helpful to see a couples therapist together. If someone in your family uses passive-aggressive communication, family therapy can help.
(Video) How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Behaviors and Comments
A Word From Verywell
Passive-aggression is not a healthy way to communicate your feelings. If you’re upset or angry about something, it can help to discuss it openly and honestly, rather than pretending that nothing’s wrong and showing your displeasure in other ways.
How to Deal With Someone Who Is Passive- Aggressive
4 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Lim YO, Suh KH. Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: the passive aggression scale. Behav Sci (Basel). 2022;12(8):273. doi:10.3390/bs12080273
Hopwood CJ, Wright AG. A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders. J Pers Assess. 2012;94(3):296-303. doi:10.1080/00223891.2012.655819
Laverdière O, Ogrodniczuk JS, Kealy D. Interpersonal Problems Associated With Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.J Nerv Ment Dis. 2019;207(10):820-825. doi:10.1097/NMD.0000000000001044
Langer SL, Romano JM, Todd M, et al. Links Between Communication and Relationship Satisfaction Among Patients With Cancer and Their Spouses: Results of a Fourteen-Day Smartphone-Based Ecological Momentary Assessment Study.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1843. Published 2018 Oct 10. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01843
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FAQs
How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive? ›
There are many possible causes of passive aggression, such as fear of conflict, difficulty expressing emotions, low self-esteem and a lack of assertiveness. People who tend to be more introverted may also struggle with expressing their needs or wants directly.
What causes a person to be passive-aggressive? ›There are many possible causes of passive aggression, such as fear of conflict, difficulty expressing emotions, low self-esteem and a lack of assertiveness. People who tend to be more introverted may also struggle with expressing their needs or wants directly.
Can you cure passive-aggressive behavior? ›Can a passive aggressive person change? Just like with any other behavior, old habits die hard. While it may take some time for someone who is passive-aggressive to build healthier communication skills, it's possible for them to improve. A mental health professional can help guide you through these changes.
What are the characteristics of a passive-aggressive person? ›- Resentment and opposition to the demands of others, especially the demands of people in positions of authority.
- Resistance to cooperation, procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others' demands.
- Cynical, sullen or hostile attitude.
A passive-aggressive person does not easily change, so keep this in mind when you realize you are dealing with a passive-aggressive personality.
What is an example of passive-aggressive behavior? ›Examples of passive-aggressive behavior include the use of silence, avoidance, sarcasm, and weaponized kindness. Understanding why people behave passive-aggressively may help with defusing the behavior.
What mental illness makes you passive-aggressive? ›...
Passive–aggressive personality disorder.
| Passive-aggressive personality disorder | |
|---|---|
| Other names | Negativistic personality disorder |
| Specialty | Psychiatry, clinical psychology |
Assertive, not aggressive, confrontation is the best way to frustrate the goals of a passive-aggressive person. You see, passive-aggressive people hate confrontation. It's not their style. When you catch them in the moment and stand up for yourself assertively, you catch them off guard.
Is passive-aggressive part of bipolar? ›In some cases, stress caused by life events or a mental health issue can cause people to act in passive-aggressive ways. Anxiety, depression, bipolar, and ADHD are a few common mental health issues that may cause passive aggression.
Do passive-aggressive people know they are? ›Many people don't realize that they're being passive-aggressive. The behavior may feel "normal" to them. Or they might think it's the best way to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to prevent something bad from happening, like losing their job.
How do you outsmart passive-aggressive? ›
- Identify the Behavior. ...
- Create a Safe Environment. ...
- Use Language Carefully. ...
- Stay Calm. ...
- Identify the Cause. ...
- Provide Training.
- Set Clear Standards and Consequences. ...
- Open up Channels of Communication.
Passive-aggressive behavior can be toxic to workplace relationships, friendships, and family ties.
Is being passive-aggressive a narcissistic trait? ›Covert narcissists often behave in passive-aggressive ways. They disregard others while exaggerating their own importance. They also blame, shame, and ignore the feelings and needs of other people.
Is Gaslighting the same as passive-aggressive? ›THE BASICS
Gaslighting statements and accusations are usually based on blatant lies, or exaggeration of the truth. Passive-aggressiveness can be defined as anger or hostility in disguise, expressed in underhanded ways to exercise power, control, and deception, with the hopes of "getting away with it.”
The silent treatment can often be used when the person doesn't have the tools to respond differently. When faced with the triggering of strong feelings, they may not know what else to do — so they go quiet. It can also be a passive-aggressive response to avoid directly communicating how (hurt) they feel.
What are passive-aggressive questions? ›They ask questions that make you feel defensive.
Instead of asking, "What does that involve?" or saying, "I've heard about keto diets, but don't know much about them," or even just, "How is that going for you?" a passive-aggressive person might say, "Why did you ever decide to do that?"
But make no mistake: Passive-aggression is an expression of hostility in relationships. "Passive-aggression is how the weak and powerless try to thwart the authority of those who they view as strong and powerful," says Wetzler.
What is passive-aggressive body language? ›Negative body language
Maybe they're pouting, crossing their arms, or rolling their eyes, instead of saying outright what's bothering them. Really, any behavior that expresses negative feelings without directly stating them is passive-aggressive, she adds.
Constant displays of passive-aggressive behavior may be a sign of conditions like depression or related to symptoms like PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Here are a few of the more common traits that are associated with this thought pattern.
Are passive-aggressive people lonely? ›Loneliness as passive-aggressive behavior
A passive-aggressive person will avoid face-to-face confrontation. They can't show their feelings; therefore, being lonely will improve peace of mind. Most passive aggressors will isolate themselves to clear harsh feedback.
What is the best response to passive-aggressive behavior? ›
Setting clear boundaries. Since passive aggression often involves behaviors like being late, missing deadlines, or procrastinating, setting clear expectations and boundaries may keep passive aggression from evolving into more harmful behaviors.
What is an example of a passive-aggressive apology? ›Here are some inadequate examples. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. This is a passive-aggressive apology done to silence the other person and move onto a different topic. It minimizes what the other person has experienced.
What does a bipolar meltdown look like? ›Signs of A Bipolar Meltdown
A burst of energy. Feeling irritable. Extremely happy and euphoric mood. Speaking fast.
WordFinder also identified some of the least passive-aggressive work phrases, including "Sorry to bother you again," "Any update on this" and "I'll take care of it." According to Mercurio, the difference in the delivery of these phrases have to do with timing and attitude.
How do you communicate with someone who is passive-aggressive? ›- Recognize the pattern: ...
- Don't take the bait: ...
- Address the issue as soon as possible: ...
- Use humour: ...
- Use assertive, clear, and direct communication: ...
- Stay present and state your feelings: ...
- Offer to solve the issue together: ...
- Don't try to change them:
Passive aggression often stems from underlying anger, sadness, or insecurity, of which the person may or may not be consciously aware. Passive-aggressive behavior may be an expression of those emotions or an attempt to gain control in a relationship.
What is the GREY rock method? ›The grey rock method is where you deliberately act unresponsive or unengaged so that an abusive person will lose interest in you. Abusive people thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and don't show your emotions, they may lose interest and stop bothering you. This is known as “grey rocking.”
Are introverts passive-aggressive? ›Introverts can be passive aggressive, sure. But so can extroverts. Introversion and extroversion are traits; passive aggression is a behavior.
What are the 5 main habits of a narcissist? ›- Inflated Ego. Those who suffer from narcissism usually seem themselves as superior to others. ...
- Lack of Empathy. ...
- Need for Attention. ...
- Repressed Insecurities. ...
- Few Boundaries.
For many couples, passive aggression is a long-term pattern—and the best way to change the pattern is to work on it together, over time. Eliminating passive aggressiveness involves establishing clarity about the dividing lines between you and your partner—and respect for each other's emotional and physical space.
Is passive aggression emotional manipulation? ›
Passive Aggression
Emotional manipulators will often agree to a project or action, then start looking for passive-aggressive ways to let the other person know they don't really want to be doing it. Specific passive-aggressive techniques employed by emotional manipulators include: Sullenness or cynicism.
- Recognize the pattern: ...
- Don't take the bait: ...
- Address the issue as soon as possible: ...
- Use humour: ...
- Use assertive, clear, and direct communication: ...
- Stay present and state your feelings: ...
- Offer to solve the issue together: ...
- Don't try to change them:
Guilt and shame are one of the most common reasons that passive-aggressive people lean into behaviors like diminished eye contact. Whether they feel guilty about what they want to say — but can't — or, they're just feeling guilty about what they have done to you…
Is passive-aggressive a coping mechanism? ›While passive aggression can be used as a coping mechanism, it is not a healthy one. Others may react with hostility when confronted with someone who is passive-aggressive, and this reaction can compound issues and increase tension in a relationship.
Is being passive-aggressive toxic? ›Passive-aggressive behavior can be toxic to workplace relationships, friendships, and family ties.
Are passive-aggressive people happy? ›Someone who uses passive aggression may feel angry, resentful, or frustrated, but they act neutral, pleasant, or even cheerful. They then find indirect ways to show how they really feel. Passive aggression isn't a mental illness. But people with mental health conditions may act that way.
What happens when you live with a passive-aggressive person? ›Passive-Aggressive Cycles
Passive-aggressiveness can often lead to cycles of conflict that create problems in relationships. In such cases, an individual may engage in passive-aggressive behavior to force the other person to respond, which may then be met with more direct anger or aggression.
Passive aggression often stems from underlying anger, sadness, or insecurity, of which the person may or may not be consciously aware. Passive-aggressive behavior may be an expression of those emotions or an attempt to gain control in a relationship. Bearing that in mind can inform how you respond.
Do passive aggressives ever apologize? ›Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. This is a passive-aggressive apology done to silence the other person and move onto a different topic. It minimizes what the other person has experienced.
Does a passive-aggressive person know what they're doing? ›Limited Awareness. The passive-aggressive is somewhat aware of the fact that she or he is resisting but does not recognize it as passive-aggressiveness per se; they just do what they do. They are not cognizant of, or concerned with, the destructive impact of passive-aggression.
Is Gaslighting passive-aggressive? ›
The most obvious example of passive-aggressive behavior can be experienced when someone is gaslighting you and being emotionally manipulative. But it can happen in smaller ways, too, even with people you love and care about or see every day.